Vote No on Jesus: A Message from Pat Robertson

I originally saw this on Gez Smith's blog and tracked down the original to McSweeney's, which should have been the first place I looked, of course:

Today's America should not cater to the bleeding-heart politics of men like Howard Dean and Jesus. Frankly, the policies advocated by Christ have not only been Un-American, but, dare I say, Un-Christian. Jesus has refused to condemn homosexuals, abortion doctors, Muslims, feminists, atheists, communists, convicted murderers, or even the ACLU. His moral relativism knows no bounds: "Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone," He whines, His words as empty and non-committal as those of a typical do-nothing democrat. Worst of all, He has gone so far as to challenge the virtue of Operation: Iraqi Freedom. As our brave men and women fight in the trenches for the liberation of the Iraqi people, Jesus has repeatedly denounced our efforts and naively pleaded for a non-violent solution. Instead of inspiring our courageous troops with the truth of God's Word, He has instead chosen to spew the same empty rhetoric of Blame-America-First liberals: "Put up again thy sword into its place: for all they that take the sword shall perish by the sword." "First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye," He drones. Must I direct Jesus to the Book of Exodus? How about "an eye for an eye" — did He miss that one? Grow up, Jesus. Welcome to the real world.

The whole thing is worth reading, of course.