Three-way blog comedy cage match

In the red corner, the Mighty Reason Man channels Steven Den Beste:

(4,000 words which display a broad range of knowledge spanning a number of subjects, combined with smart analysis and interesting insights, leading up to-)

It is then impossible to escape the conclusion that we must invoke NATO's Article V and conduct a global war against France.

(Sound of thousands of readers interested by preceding technical discussion simultaneously going "Wait- what the fuck?")

In the blue corner, Dave Weeden on Norman Mailer:

Warm up your traitor tattoos, people! Our country needs uncompromising leaders, like Bush and Cheney, who, anticipating their future ranks, kept themselves safer than even General Haig did, not equivocators who may have faced enemy fire in the cause of democracy. Futhermore, Bush is dim, as are most of the electorate. Mailer is some kind of ubermensch, who’s read Neech-thing, that Kraut guy with the big moustache. It would shame the average KKK Southerner to have such a guy anywhere near power, even as mayor of some limp-wristed liberal wasteland like New York. Let’s have someone we can identify with. Bring me Jeff Jarvis with that jutting chin and “Let me go three rounds with a wet paper bag” bravura or James Lileks, the man you’d back when mano a mano with a dead ocelot. These guys, heroic Americans to the surface, naturally fought their way to the recruiting offices on September 12, 2001. They were turned back by Sergeant-Majors who politely told them the country need slavish propagandists, and pissed themselves laughing when they left. Only by the ceaseless effort of the keyboard squadron can al-Qaeda be kept at bay, even though they’ll never read the diatribes against the BBC or the praises of frogspawn or whatever Li-Lets calls his sprog. And if the enemy ever invade, we always have Christopher Hitchens, armed with a cellar of empty whisky bottles, waiting for them.

And in the tangerine corner, we have the reigning champion, The Poor Man:

If you have any questions, I will be machine-gunning myself to death. I've been falling behind in this department recently.

Let's get it on!