Shiny happy people

Jamie from Blood and Treasure has been to Hartlepool. He returns with a heartwarming tale:

Tom and I were sitting at a table in the corner. Tom was making crack pipes on which I was stenciling the words: a present from Charles Kennedy to the children of Hartlepool.

“So” said Tom. “You came in your pants.” I nodded.

“Good.” He leant forward. “That means you’re one of us. Take a look around.” The bright eyed volunteers were bobbing around the room with crack pipers and wads of Kleenex. Each had a tell-tale stain around the crutch. Apart from the women. They just squelched a bit.

“All of us in New Labour love Hartlepool. We love it so much that it makes us come in our pants. Being here makes us come in our pants. Thinking about being here makes us come in our pants. All decent human beings come in their pants at the thought of Hartlepool. And that goes all the way to the top.”