Discussing the Cabinet’s Jubilee gift to the Queen:
Asked whether she might have enough table mats already before today’s gift, Mr Pickles said: “One can never have too many table mats.”
Further comment is superfluous.
The Radio Times have discovered some shocking news about the Royal Family. In the Christmas issue during the interview with Miranda Hart, they casually drop this bombshell:
Yes, unbeknownst to all of us, Clare Balding’s career was even more remarkable than we imagined. On top of all her other work, she also manages to be Kate Middleton. Who knew?
The General Council of Monty Python have today rejected moves to enable women to become directors of Monty Python films. This comes twenty years after it was agreed that women could attempt to tell jokes on screen, but were not allowed to ascend to the position of director.
Hopes had been high that women would be allowed to achieve this status, however opponents had pointed out that the holy texts had made it perfectly clear that women were only allowed to direct if they were portrayed by Terry Jones in drag. The Forward in Farce group – which opposed women telling jokes, feeling their role is clearly defined in the sacred texts whilst rejecting Fawlty Towers as mere apocrypha – celebrated the result today.
However, a majority did vote in favour of the move, including overwhelming votes in the House of Upper Class Twits and the House of Gumbies. A majority of the House of Fans was in favour of the change, but did not achieve the two-thirds majority required under the rules (designed by the Silly Party).
“My brain hurts.” A member of the House of Gumbies said after the vote. “Other comedies have women directors, but not the Python? Need brain surgeon.”
In other news, the Church of England’s credibility has passed on, is no more, has ceased to be, has expired and gone to meet its maker. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. Its metabolical processes are of interest only to historians. It’s run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.
(If this made no sense to you, watch the video below)
I was looking up something about Nick Harvey for my previous post and noticed that he’s started to show a display a resemblance to a former Soviet leader…
Is Stavropol Krai in North Devon following the boundary review? I think we should be told.
Earlier today, someone linked to this amusing Storify collection of James Delingpole exhibiting his usual debating style of blocking and ignoring anyone who dares criticise him – especially when they commit the ultimate sin of using facts to challenge him. Normally, Delingpole’s someone I ignore – until the final revelation of his role as a Morrisian agent provocateur proving just how much crap you can get published if you’re willing to ignore facts and appease the rich and powerful, he’s of no real interest to me – but something about this caught my attention.
Namely, Delingpole’s Twitter avatar: Not something I’d normally care about, but this sparked off a memory in me of another image that looked somewhat similar. Specifically, one from Charlie Brooker’s TV Go Home book:
Probably only me who spots the resemblance, but the idea of Delingpole harming himself with cutlery while advertising Downright Average Thick British Viewer Day seems kind of apt.
Last week saw the regular spectacle of various people cooing over a list of ‘the most influential Liberal Democrats’ compiled by someone who has nothing to do with the party and seemed to be little more than a list of ‘Liberal Democrats I’ve heard of’ coupled to a random number generator. While the sensible reaction to that would be to draw up an alternative list with a properly defined ranking system that’s open to scrutiny and challenge, it would also be the time-consuming one, so I chose to do something silly instead.
And thus, I present to you the five people who could potentially have the most influence on the Liberal Democrats if the stars were to align the right way, it was a slow news day and/or our understanding of the way the world works turns out to be a bit flawed. So, without further ado: Read the rest of this entry
Read the rest of this entry
Everyone needs to go and see The Wire: The Musical, even if it doesn’t appear to feature a one-word duet between Bunk and McNulty:
You should also, of course, make sure you’re fully familiar with the 19th century work that it’s based on.
(An attempt at satire. Contains spoilers for the first couple of novels in A Song Of Ice And Fire and the Game of Thrones TV series until the middle of series two)
The politics of Westeros are currently dominated by the actions of the great noble Houses. On the surface, these Houses seem to have existed in their current form for hundreds of years, but closer examination reveals that they have all moved great distances from the lands they originally occupied, even if they have renamed places within their new lands with old names to present some form of continuity with the past. All of course covet the mythical ‘centre ground’, though none know exactly where it lies.
Currently dominant, though not in absolute power, are House Lannistory, renowned for the folk saying ‘a Lannistory always gets someone else to pay his debts’. Led by Lord Camwin, they currently hold power thanks to their alliance with House Libertheon, though some are dissatisfied by the compromises this has entailed. Camwin is obsessed with his legacy and with berating subordinates for not following his orders. He has sent the impish Lord Borion to rule King’s Landing in his stead, but now wonders if that is a good idea, as Borion appears to be building his own power base there. Lord Camwin has tried to replace the House sigil with a tree, but many think it should remain a roaring (and very British) lion.
House Libertheon, known for it’s sigil of a black animal on a yellow background, can point back centuries to when its ancestors were kings, though they tend to mumble a lot when asked about what happened in between. They share power with House Lannistory, though some question whether young King Nicholas has any Libertheon blood in him, or if he is actually a complete Lannistory. House loyalists have rallied around Lord Visionis with his claim to represent pure Libertheonism and the Orange Heart of the Lord of Liberal Reform. Others look to the younger Lord Socially, and his belief that the House should work closer with House Toiler.
House Toiler are well known by their red rose sigil, and were the dominant power of the land before their overthrow by the Lannistories. They are known for their occasionally progressive attitudes towards minority groups, but also for their ability to get involved in many different wars in support of their allies. Internal Toiler politics are complex, with brother often turning upon brother – currently, one of the Maceband brothers leads the House – while other lords jockey for position.
Elsewhere, the North is ruled by House Scot, whose King Alex (his sigil a salmon on a D-shaped shield) has declared its independence, but he knows he must come south to win many battles before that is recognised. In the West, the Greylloys sometimes proclaim the independence of the Iron Islands, though some feel they should merely accept a better position in service to the rest of Westeros. The Iron Islands are known as a very wet place, whose inhabitants follow the Soaked God and proclaim that ‘what is dead may never Dai’.
According to sources that I can’t reveal, I can exclusively reveal that should the country vote No in the referendum on 5th May, we will be required to gold-plate every pencil used at polling stations. This will cost something in the region of eleventy squillion pounds, and it’s clear that the country can’t afford this expense at this time, especially when that eleventy squillion pounds could be used to pay for an elevator to the moon.
So, what would you rather spend eleventy squillion pounds on instead of keeping our current electoral system?
(When the director of No2AV feels free to make things up and continually repeat figures that he must know have been proven to be entirely imaginary and unreliable, I feel it’s time to fight nonsense with nonsense.)