What You Can Get Away With » Poem: In search of a gilded benefactor

I’ve been messing around with writing poetry recently, and my thoughts went back to those glorious days of yore when artists didn’t have to worry about pleasing the masses. All they sought to do was win the attention of a single wealthy patron, who would shower them with sufficient coin to ensure they could continue to produce their art with only the occasional diversion into hagiography of the patron or their family.

With that in mind, I decided it was time to demonstrate my hagiographical skills, but who should be the lucky recipient? Then, I caught sight of someone who had risen to a position of power with all the skill of a Renaissance Venetian and seemed to be be in possession of great wealth, such that writing cheques for five-figure sums was something she could do without a pause for thought.

So, beneath the cut, please find my tribute to the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government. I happily accept cheques or cash, and can probably arrange something through PayPal for credit cards.

I have come to praise great Hazel Blears,
For she transcends all human fears.
She does not flinch, she does not sneer,
Though some say that once she shed a tear.

On the day the Greatest Leader fled,
She cried a single drop, it’s said.
Then switched back to her happy face,
As the Dearest Leader took his place.

I have come to praise great Hazel Blears,
For she cleanses herself in a bath of tears.
Her sin washed away by good intention,
So thousands dead I shall not mention.

She cannot be blamed for anything much,
For she possesses the common touch.
See the people of Salford chant her name,
And ask for her to heal the lame.

I have come to praise great Hazel Blears,
For she wears a necklace of human ears.
She whispers orders through each one,
Ensuring Dearest Leader’s work is done.

But they also show her listening skill,
How she hears the cries of the sick and ill!
A great helmsman caring for her ship,
We’ll never be released from her loving grip.

I have come to praise great Hazel Blears,
For her kind shall rule us for a thousand years.

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