After giving the matter no consideration and not talking it over with anyone, I’ve decided to stand for Liberal Democrat Party President.

My key priorities will be to reduce the party membership, not listen to any of those members who do remain and to do all I can to ensure that we lose as many elections as possible.

I’m proud to say that I’m definitely in favour of bad things. I’m committed to regressive values and promoting injustice wherever I can, I want fewer good things for everyone in the party and will be working hard to ensure that people lose whatever good things they have.

Actually, I lie when I say I’ll be working hard. As President, I’ll be doing as little as possible and whenever I do bother to go out and visit somewhere, I’ll make it my aim to demotivate them, stop them raising any money and help them lose whatever elections they’re fighting. I’ll be able to do this because I’ve got no experience in campaigning, have never met anyone else in the party and yet somehow know nothing of the world outside politics either.

My approach can be summed up as complete conservation, seeking to keep us doing everything exactly as it’s been done in the past with no changes whatsoever.

So, vote for me for a commitment to making no commitments, stronger fairs, economic societies and a President who really doesn’t want the job and probably wouldn’t be very good at it anyway.

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If you haven’t already worked it out, I’m not actually standing for the Presidency. (Liz Lynne, Sal Brinton, Linda Jack and Daisy Cooper are, though) However, judging from some of the things that candidates are saying in their campaigns, you would think that someone was standing on the negative platform I’ve outlined above.

This isn’t unique to this election, and seems to be a common pattern in Liberal Democrat internal elections. Everyone’s throwing around buzzwords and talking about wonderful aims and the things they’re going to do (More members! Better campaigns! Increased production at Tractor Factory Number 5!) but strangely reluctant to point out how they’re going to achieve these aims beyond telling us they’ll work hard to do it. Every party election (and the presidency hasn’t been an exception in the past) features candidates with virtually interchangeable manifestos with lots of talk of their hard work, dedication to liberal values and decades of service on the Loamshire Liberal Democrats Sub-Committee on Policy but a strange reluctance to talk about things like their stance on contentious policies or what they’d actually do if elected. What’s the thing they’d do if elected that no one else would? After several weeks of people declaring their Presidential ambitions, I’m not sure I could answer that question.

So here’s my principal question to the presidential candidates: why you, and not the other three? What do you believe in and what would you do differently from the others?

And for another question: what mistakes do you think the party has made since the start of the coalition? If you had been President when they were being made, what would have done to avoid them?

If any of the candidates want to answer those, I’ll happily post their response in full here on the blog. Yes, this is your chance to reach potentially dozens (on a good day) of potential voters.