Will Quince, stopping traffic using the power of his mind.

Will Quince, stopping traffic using the power of his mind.

I’ve discussed before the voting pattern of Colchester’s ‘independent-minded’ MP, Will Quince, but it seems I owe him an apology. You see, I was assuming that he meant he’d come to his decision independently instead of doing what the Tory whips told him to do, when what’s now clear to me is that ‘independent-minded’ is actually a euphemism he uses for ‘psychic’. Yes, it turns out that Will can see the future and makes his decisions based on that.

You want evidence? Well, on Wednesday evening, he said this when asked what side he was on in the EU debate:


“I will reach a decision and draft my reasoning as soon as the final deal has been agreed and I have read it” is pretty unequivocal, I think. He wants to make his decision once a deal has been agreed and he’s had a chance to read it, which sounds fair and reasonable.

But what’s this?


Suddenly, while David Cameron is still locked in negotiations with no final deal in sight, Will makes his decision. The only possible explanation must be that using his psychic – sorry, ‘independent-minded’ – powers, Will has looked into the future to see the deal that Cameron will agree and decided he doesn’t approve of it. That’s the only logical explanation for his sudden change in stance because I refuse to believe that he’d decided all along that he was going to back the Leave side and was just waiting for an opportune time to reveal it. That would mean he’d consistently not told the truth to people when he said he hadn’t made his mind up and was waiting to see the deal, which surely couldn’t be true. No, the only logical response must be that he has a talent to see the future which he’s scared to disclose to the world in case it hates and fears him.

It’s time to be brave, Will, and admit your psychic talents to the world. Otherwise, people might just start to think your promises to vote on anything other than purely partisan political considerations aren’t worth anything.